I need help and I need it now. This problem is way bigger than what the Dog Whisperer can handle. So who ya gonna call when you are havin' relationship problems? I dialed the number for Jerry Springer and explained to the receptionist that I am a dog bein' hounded by 2 lovely bitches. She patched me straight through to the big dog himself.
Jerry: So, Chester Hoover - I hear you've got a relationship problem and you'd like my help. My receptionist tells me that you are engaged to Truffles who lives several states away but now Godiva who lives only an hour away has started chasing you.
Chester: That's correct Jerry, and they are both drop dead gorgeous. And you wouldn't believe all the loot they've been showerin' me with. The package that came last week made me realize just how serious Godiva is about wantin' me for her very own.
Jerry: So you've taken gifts from both of them? This makes it more interesting. I think we might have something here. Do you think the girls would be willing to discuss this in front of a viewing audience? Do you think they would maybe do a little catfighting if pushed? Of course we'd have to go over all the legal stuff and have you all sign papers saying you are willing to talk about this on TV.
Chester: Their parents would more than likely sign for them, I think. As to the catfightin', it would be more like a dogfight and we all know that's illegal.
Jerry: Chester, are you sayin' these girls are underage? We cannot do shows with minors. These girls have to be 18 or over.
Chester: Good grief! We're dogs Jerry and unfortunately we'll more than likely all be dead by the time we're 18. We gotta get this settled now while we're still in our prime. Truffles and I are both 3 and Godiva is a very young 8.
Jerry: Seriously? You're a dog? Chester, this show is for humans. You dogs are much smarter than 2 leggers, you don't need my help to figure out this love triangle. Goodbye Chester-and good luck.
Thanks for nothin' Jerry. It looks like I am on my own with this one. Maybe if I weigh out the pros and cons of each it will help me think much clearer.
GODIVA - PRO's
PRO #1. Bein' a little older, she is more established and would probably be able to make me a kept dog if I so desired. Just look at the loot package she sent me last week that I must admit has veered my attention away from my Vermont vixen.
My load of loot included several bags of dog munchies, bully sticks in all shapes and sizes, a duck stuffie, and a bright red devil stuffie which I must admit scared me just as much as Truffles mention of rusty scissors in her toy box. There was also a huge Wubba made exclusively for water use, a mouse pad and coffee mug set with a chocolate lab on that Mom confiscated for her own personal use before I had a chance to get my paws on it, and 3 good smelling shampoos. Not only was there all this, there was also a personalized groundhog card and letter from Ms. Godiva cleverly hidden inside a Godiva chocolate box. I won't disclose all of the letter but let me just say she thinks I am quite handsome and has been admirin' me for some time. She was holdin' it all in until Truffles opened fire on her womanhood on the Facebook venue. Not in so many words I believe Ms. Godiva is sayin', "Game On, Ms. Fudge Pants". Bein' the show gal that she is, Ms. Godiva also included several pictures of herself and a couple made even me blush.
PRO #2. She was bred from some of the strongest lab show breeding stock in the country and has earned 7 Best Of Breeds while getting her championship. That is very amazing because that means she was not only the best female but even beat out all the males. How many girls can claim that title?
PRO #3. She has earned her Canine Good Citizen certificate the same as me, although I'm guessin' she didn't brown nose the evaluator the same as I did to get it.
PRO #4. She only lives about an hour away so if I get a cravin' for chocolate, I do not have far to travel.
PRO #5. Her dad has connections with the owners of the local dog spa which is heavenly for those endless winters when it is too cold to swim in the lake. (This is a BIG PRO)
GODIVA - CON's
CON #1. As I said, she is a natural born show dog and loved all the attention that goes along with that. Although her 2 leggers say she has settled down, it concerns me she may yearn for that kind of attention again.
CON #2. She is used to a raw meat diet which I'm not sure if I can afford to keep her in that kind of luxury .
CON #3. She has children of her own (artificially bred so I'm told). Even though two are famous in their own right, you never know when any one of them will drag their troubles home again.
CON #4. One of those son's name is Moose and by his size he lives up to the name. I don't think I would wanna get on the wrong side of him. She also lives with 4 other labs and GULP! - she now lives under the same roof as a Jack Russell. (Although he has a very cool name, Rocky the Jack Russell brother is a BIG CON)
TRUFFLES - PRO's
PRO #1. We are very close in age so we probably have more in common and have about the same energy level.
PRO #2. She is very much in favor of adopting dogs of all breeds and sizes which shows me that she is a girl who has more concern for the benefit of others than herself and wants to help those who are less fortunate.
PRO #3. She's very computer savvy and will easily be able to work from home if she so chooses.
PRO #4. The fact that she has simple tastes endeared her to me from them moment we met. Give her a can of gravy and she's happy, as am I.
PRO #5. Her 2 leggers have their very own river in their back yard. (This is a BIG PRO)
TRUFFLES - CON's
CON #1. She lives several states away which makes our time together limited until we can be married.
CON #2. Havin' a broken leg as a pup has left her with a mild limitation, although one would never know it by lookin' at her shapely legs.
CON #3. She has a psychopath brother, a sister with a filthy drug habit and GULP! - she lives under the same roof as a cat. (Nigel Buggers, the psychopath brother is a very BIG CON)
So there it is. I don't think I'm any closer to comin' to a decision than when I first started. Please don't judge me for my spineless inability to come to a decision. Truly I am torn between the devil and the deep brown groundhog.
If anybody out there has the magic key to open this trap I've come to find myself in, please by all means feel free to offer advice. I know I will have to hurt one of these lovely ladies and honestly it tears me to pieces to think I will have to be the dog to do it. Now I know how Truffles must have felt when she had to let Rory B. Frock down when she chose me over that Celtic charmer.
Wait a minute!!! What was it that Jerry said? Us dogs are much smarter than 2 leggers? Here I am, gettin' my brown knickers in a terrible twist without thinkin' this whole matter through thoroughly! I think I have answered my own question.
Truffles dearest, please forgive me for my recent strayin' of the brain. I remember only too well how I felt when I thought I might lose you for the sweet talkin' Rory, yet you stood by your initial commitment to me and let Rory down ever so gently. If you still find it in your heart to continue with our marital plans, I would love to forever be your one and only mate.
I am so sorry Ms. Godiva to have to let you down. Had you come along before Truffles, our futures may have turned out quite differently. As it is, I cannot go back on my word to Ms. Truffles. You have certainly tested this ol' boy and I'm ashamed to admit, I almost failed Truffles miserably. I hope you don't find me ungrateful for the truly wonderful gift box you sent. It ROCKED in a big way. I will return it if you would like, although the pretzel shaped bully stick is unretrievable and the Wubba got a good workout in Lake Marberg on Sunday and is not quite as good as new. If you can find it in your heart, I would love to continue our friendship. And if you're interested I know where there is a handsome little Sweetie Wheatie with a big heart who LOVES chocolate. Don't let the size fool ya, there's a big dog fillin' out that Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. Wouldn't it be great if one day we could go out to dinner to together? Maybe even to Madame Shoesies?
Rory B. Frock
Thank goodness I had a long weekend to think this whole affair through. Now we only have 4 days to get through till we can call it a weekend again. I hope that all of the tests that are placed in front of you this week will be easy ones.